Some days.....

Some days I really wish I could punch myself in the face. While granted it wouldn't feel very good, I feel like I deserve it for some of the things I do to myself.

The past month has been going really well for me. I've been keeping a positive attitude, going to the gym every day, trying to keep busy at work...All the usual. But that all seem to have come to a screeching halt yesterday.

Last night one of my co-workers hosted a party for me at her parents house. It was kind of a belated one as my birthday was on Tuesday (11/25) and really, who the hell is going to come to a party on a Tuesday. Well, there were tons of food leftover. Mostly good stuff mind you but the little witch packed up the birthday cake to send home with me as well. I arrived back home like almost 2am and came in and put everything in the fridge. Well this morning I awoke and of course I was as hungry as a horse so I go out to the kitchen and make some breakfast.

But then, maybe an hour or two later that fucking cake was calling to me from the refrigerator. And it was the kind that had whip cream frosting as opposed to the regular kind that you can feel the sugar sanding your teeth down. Well there was a decent amount of cake in the box and I really didn't care about it as it was half chocolate (yuk) and half vanilla. All I really wanted was the frosting. And I ate it. Like a fucking asshole I ate it. As soon as I was done I just had so many harsh feelings going through my head. Why did I do this to myself? I should know better! I can't eat that shit, I'm a diabetic for chrissakes! But to sort of make it feel not so bad I did take a pill to help. (I take an oral med for my condition but have cut back significantly due to a usually decent diet and daily exercise) I mean shit, I tell myself all the time that I am NOT going to end up like my mother who had to shoot insulin twice a day. But dammit, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why? Why did I do it? I think I'm going to have to take some affirmative action and see someone about this. It's been a few years since I have seen a nutritionist so I think its time again. And also this time as well I need to see a therapist. So much of this is mental and I can't let this one incident ruin all the good that has come to me from the past month. And also too, maybe join a diabetic support group but hopefully find one with people my age and not full of nitwits.

I'm glad I got this out in the open even though no one reads this. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step.....

God, I feel like shit.